twenty-one years ago today i was brought into this terrifyingly beautiful, larger than life, full of endless possibilities, world. that's 7,669 days.
7,669 days of breathing in fresh air, letting it wrap its self around my lungs- and learning what it means to be... alive.
each year i have learned more than i could have ever imagined about life, love, and mostly myself. and for that, i could never be more grateful than i am right now.
three years ago, i had found myself in a very rough place in my life that i didn't know how i was ever going to get through. i don't really ever talk about it much, but i feel like i need to let a little weight escape my heart today. and if i could write myself a letter to who i was back then, this would be it-
dear kaitlyn,
i know that all of your days are running together into a kaleidoscope of moments, and sounds, and colors, and you feel so lost among it all. but please believe me when i say,
you will not be lost forever.
you will find your own way out of this maze that you've created inside of your head. you will make it through and you will be stronger for it. you will be so very strong. you have been through so much and i know that you feel alone more often than not, but you are never truly alone and never will be. there are so many people who love you more than you could ever imagine. before you know it, the fogginess will fade and suddenly things will become clear to you again. more clear than ever before. there will be heartache and tears. and there will be joy and there will be brightness, but that's what makes up this strange life of ours. it takes a little darkness to appreciate the light. and that's okay.
it's all right to kiss the boys, but let it mean something. only share your bare skin with the ones who will share your heart. cry. let it out. holding it in will only hurt you in the end. lay in bed with your best friend watching buffy and friends until you cannot keep your eyes open anymore. it'll help your heart it more ways than one. smile. until your cheeks ache. smile until you mean it. go to more movies by yourself. eat the whole bucket of popcorn by yourself and then lick your fingers. sit outside no matter where you are and look at the stars. it's okay to feel small. embrace it. don't stop painting. keep creating. dance in the rain more often. whenever you feel like kissing him- that ball in the pit of your stomach begging you to lean in and plant a big one right on his face, do. you'll only regret it if you don't. don't be afraid to love. love entirely. use all of your heart. take more photos. capture more moments. jump in more puddles, even if you don't have your rain boots. move forward. hold hands whenever you can. call mom more often, even if just to say, "hello." say thank you, always. appreciate every moment, big or small, with the ones you love. hug gramma jojo as much as you can. be brave. be kind. fall in love with yourself and never stop.
you won't know the exact moment it happens, but somewhere along the way you choose happiness and in that moment it wipes the cobwebs of sadness away until you can feel the sunshine in your heart again and it's beautiful.
you will be better than okay. just give it a little time. everything will work out just as it should and you will become the woman you want to be a little more every single day. a woman that lives for love with a heart five times too big.
i'll see you soon, kid.
keep on keeping on.
keep on loving.
always,
kaitlyn
