i loved him once and then i loved him twice, and seven times, and 1,426 times, and again and again every time he spoke. i loved him despite him being more cracked open than i was. i loved him because of it. his heart spilled through the places mine did and somehow in the brokenness of it, i felt whole again. i loved the way he only held onto my hand when we were falling asleep- naked and raw and without words. i loved his eyes and how they aged him with lines that once only came out when he smiled- how they caught fire every time he told a story. the sparks flew out of him and landed somewhere within me, starting a forest fire, raging through my blood. he intoxicated me with every word until i was drunk and stumbling. i grabbed at every syllable he breathed, hoping to catch each one and bury them in my back yard like time capsules. maybe in ten years when he’s married to the girl with a voice like honey, who bakes him apple pies sweeter than mine, i’ll dig them up again and press them to my ears like sea shells. i’ll listen to the memories like tides bringing his words back home to me. i loved how whiskey brought truth to his lips and his kisses to mine. he’d sing to me, out of tune melodies that sounded like symphonies and i’d sing along. i wrote him poems about how my heart was sinking like anchors at sea, and left them by his front door like a bouquet of roses. he kept them like a secret and never spoke of them. i loved him once. and then i loved him twice, and seven times, and 1,426 times, and again and again every time he spoke. and i loved him with a force that was indescribable and unknown to even poets with prettiest words and phrases. i love him, and with all of these things i hold onto- as if gripping broken shards of glass in my hand, he could never love me. you see, my grandma always tells me, "the world just hasn't turned your way yet."and maybe she's right, so i'll wait until the earth spins and spins and the clock strikes twelve, and it rings in my ears like the silence on nights spent alone in the sweetest of solitude. i love him- loved him a million times over and within his chest and all of the ship wrecked treasures scattered at the bottom of the sea...
i found my heart and a love all my own.
