august 5, 2014
dear friend,
i know this may seem a little backwards. or maybe it’s forwards. i
guess i don’t really know. all i know for sure, is that you’re leaving. not
today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon i know, you’ll be gone. and i’m trying
to be happy for you. i am happy for you. in my heart, i truly am. but, at the
very same time, i am sad...for me. for this. for us. this friendship on fire.
it’s like i’m split into halves. one half wants nothing more than for you to
stay. to be here. to text me at one in the morning asking me to come and get
you and bring you home. to know that if ever i were to need you or you me,
you’d be just a short drive away. but the thing is, i don’t even do that now. i
don’t take advantage of you while i have you here, and that’s why the other
half of me wants you to go. you coming or going...it isn’t for me. it never
will be. it is about you and your hopes and dreams and your future. and that to
me, is the most important. far above my feelings or wants to have you near. i
want you to get everything you’ve ever dreamed of. i want that for you. more
than i want you to stay. i dream of happiness for you. and in the end, that is
the only thing that matters.
i guess i am writing to you now because when i’m with you, the
words seem to just slip away. they get caught in my throat and i stay silent.
but there is so much i would like to say to you. there always has been. so here
it is. my heart, my mind- written out for when words alone just don’t seem to
be enough in the moments i have the chance to speak them.
i want you to know me. i am more than just a girl. more than a
body, and more than a heart that is often five times too big. i know you think
i’m too soft. but, let me tell you something- there is light years of
difference between being strong and being hard- being cold to the world. i
refuse to let myself harden. i know what it’s like to want to be numb, to even
have been numb and wanting to feel. i’ve been everywhere in between. and i
consciously make a choice every day, to not be hard to the world. my heart will
remain too big, far too often, but it is strong. i am strong. my heart and i
have been through hell and back and i refuse to let that shake me. it will not
drown me and i want you to know that. i need you to.
often, there have been times where i find myself holding back. in
the general sense, as well as with you. i don’t say certain things to you, in
fear that it’ll make you uncomfortable. i make sure i sit on opposite ends of
the couch because i know you don’t really like it when i touch you. at least, i
have always assumed as much. it’s strange. i feel like you’re my closest
friend, yet i am scared of how you think of me, and i keep parts of myself
hidden from you in fear of it. i don’t want to do that anymore. i just want to
be me. i hope for you to see that version of me, to understand it. maybe some
day, i’ll get the courage to let you in to see it. i hope that day is soon.
before it’s too late and you’re gone.
this could be the first of many letters to come. i hope i stick
with this. it’ll be good for me. i’ve just never been great with following
through with these sorts of things. i don’t know when i will send them. maybe
it’ll be after california calls you home and i’m stuck with all of the words i
should have said. maybe then.
for now, please know this- you are capable of the greatest of
things. you above all deserve them. you deserve greatness. i hope you see that
in yourself like i see it within you. i believe in you. always have. always
will.
i’ll be seeing you.
